I cannot escape it

It's on those lonely early morning drives while the sun is a distant rumor on the horizon, and I have nothing but myself for company that I take a moment and stop to think to myself, out of all those existential life questions such as, what is the meaning of my life, and is Pluto a planet or not and are people inherently bad, deep down, in their souls, where no one is looking - why did I do it?
And I turn the music on. And then I turn it on a little louder, because that question for which I stopped, on this lonely early morning drive, to think to myself, will keep nagging, as questions without easy answers are in the habit of doing, echoing louder and louder in the back of my mind where all those other difficult questions have been banished, to be since buried and forgotten.
But they do not stay buried.
It was her laugh. I heard it once and then a second time on that day, and I was lost. It was a laugh like no other; rich with the promises of all that could be good and beautiful. Of mutual feelings shared. We hesitated, we faltered against our individual alter-egos whispering out our lives to each other. Her Max, my Judy. Our 9th grade christmas plays, family trips to the amusement park, in-laws, grandparents, vows made in the presence of God to last until death.
I came home a different man that day and I have been a different man since. My only refuge from my thoughts is the unconsciousness that comes between the hours of 10 and 4, although it lasts but an instant. It has been said that only God will judge us, but I know better. I am judged daily - in the smiles of my children, in Judy's kiss as I come home from work and in the eyes of that man in the mirror. What is done cannot be undone, and what will be, will be.
This is my thought, on this lonely early morning drive, and I cannot escape it.

Yet another 'Happiness is...' post

Happiness is

-A clean pair of socks on a call day
-A clean apartment on a post-call day
-French vanilla cappuccino en route to see the 5 ER consults I just got in the past 15 minutes
-A fully charged phone
-A co-resident with whom I don't have to watch what I'm saying
-That rare, golden weekend
-A charge nurse (S) to whom you only have to say "S, there's a patient coming up from the ER with a subarachnoid hemorrhage", and before you know it, you have an open ICU bed, a ventricular catheter already set up at the bedside and the crash cart at the ready.
-A chief resident that tells you it's going to be OK
-A day in the OR
-A mother you can call, at a moment's notice, no matter what hour of the night, because things are just not going well
-Dinner on the balcony with J
-A set of bills that have just been paid
-A good night's sleep
-Being pimped by your attending, in front of the entire team, and knowing the answers
-That patient that tells you, when you least expect it, how glad they are to have you as their doctor