Merry Christmas

The regular milk conspiracy

Ladies and gentlemen. All across America, in cafes and coffee shops alike, a conspiracy is afoot. It is the conspiracy of regular milk. Take for instance, the coffee shop right at the entrance of the hospital when you walk in through the revolving doors adjacent to the employee parking garage. With its chalkboards inscribed with coffee ground humor, brightly lit signs, displays of muffins, brownies and baked goods galore, you'd think Christmas had come early. You walk up to the ahem, 'barista' (now there's self pomp and delusion of grandeur at its finest) and are immediately bombarded with choice. There's coffee with a hint of cherry, hazelnut roasted beans, breakfast blends, medium dark, decaffeinated coffee (what freak of nature drinks that?!), coffee with shots of espresso in it, basically, there is coffee up the wazoo. But before that, first you must decide on the appropriate receptacle. You may select the short, which in my opinion, should be labelled I'm-the-kind-of-person-who-says-F-U-to-the-system-and-buys-what-I-need-for-ME aka, I'm a pompous prig who thinks the world rotates around my axis, to small (which has no business being associated with this name, given that four shorts could fit into it with space for cream) and all the way to venti....or is it grande (pronounced grawn-day)? I forget. Anyhow, you get the point. After you have painstakingly made your selection, you make your way to the designated waiting area and decide, while your beverage of choice is being 'designed', if you want sweet n' low, Truvia, Splenda, sugar in the 'raw', honey or just plan old fashioned white table sugar. Lest you get bored, there is cinnamon, nutmeg and other spices, that I cannot dissociate from baking (like, am I making a cake here?! Wtf?) that you can add to your already hyper-flavor infused drink. You are handed your highly anticipated cup, which, depending on your selection, may require the addition of some cream-age. Then...you take a look at the dairy that is displayed and you are flabbergasted. You turn to the barrister with a sheepish grin on your face and ask "OK, where are the hidden cameras? Because, this must be a joke. On me. Haha, you got me!" But no. It's true. After the amazing selection of cups, beverages, beverages for those beverages, toppings, snacks and sweeteners, you have only two choices when it comes to dairy. Skim milk and half and half. Could this be? Are you born with the wrong set of taste buds? Is it un-conceived of to yearn for the taste of regular milk in your coffee? Are there only two kinds of people on this earth? Those who like skim milk in their coffee and those who like half and half? How much trouble will it cause this coffee shop to serve an alternative to the two extremes? Say, a carton of 2%? A jug of whole? Maybe, even, if the former involve preparations far too complex, a bottle of 1%?
So I tell you. It must be a conspiracy. There is just no other explanation. Somewhere, around a large mahogany table, there sit executives in black suits. There are flickering candles in the corner, casting their distorted shadows on the walls, balanced on rickety corner tables dripping candle wax on a stone floor. And they are scheming. "We will gather ALL the regular milk from ALL the cows on this planet, yes, we will divert it from ALL the coffee shops and into our giant regular milk powered ray gun. And with this giant regular milk powered ray gun, we will air a special on national TV and hypnotize the ENTIRE nation into BUYING...MORE...COFFEE!!". Then they rub their hands together in fashion most cryptic and laugh menacingly into the ceiling.
So you see, ladies, gentlemen. A conspiracy is afoot. Watch. And be ready.