I finally made myself go to the library after I was done in the hospital today - despite wanting to collapse onto my bed forever. I can now pass a test on sudden death (for cardiac reasons), coronary artery disease and cardiac catheterization. Just imagine: soon, I may be YOUR doctor.
Some good things that happened today:
1. I went with a very nice lady to get paracentesis done and held her hand during the entire procedure (say thank ya to comfortable shoes).
2. Saw histoplasmosis under the microscope from a patient who has been mysteriously (no longer!) sick for a while.
3. Was given permission during intern conference by the director of the medicine residency program to *gasp* have a sandwich before all the interns had gotten theirs.
4. I studied. Life is good, no?
All in all, a good day. Tomorrow I am on call....so no studying for sure. Ps - I am still working out for 45 minutes at 5am during the week, strength training/lifting weights twice on the weekend (on an upper body, lower body repeater, if you're interested), sleeping an average of 7 hrs a night (got down to 4 hours once last week) and eating healthy.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
No patients...
It is 7:08pm and I do not have a patient. Since both patients I was following last week have been discharged, I have to wait until a patient comes in so I can have work to do tomorrow (and not look like a total slacker). However, as I am a newly minted MS III with 1 week experience, it takes me at least 3 hours to examine a patient and write up an admission note. This does not include reading up on the patient and practicing my presentation so as to be the budding superstar that I am on attending rounds. Looks like I'll be here until 10pm or 11pm....and yet another day with no studying done.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Medicine Week 1: Awkwardness to the nth power (where n = infinity)
On Mon, July 6th at approximately 9:30am (after a brief introduction by the course director), 11 or so hapless, naive and incredibly awkward 3rd year medical students (yours truly included) were thrust onto the floors of the general medicine department at New York Presbyterian hospital to help take care of patients. With no inkling as to what to expect and what to do about not knowing what to expect, important questions began to arise:
1. When the team is going around (rounding, if it pleases ya) seeing patients first thing in the morning, where is the medical student to position his or her person so as to provide the least amount of interference with on going proceedings? In other words, how can I stay out of their way, yet remain visible?
2. How many times is it appropriate for the medical student to ask "Do you need any help?" before the energy and time required by the attending/resident/intern/physician assistant to respond, "Thanks for asking, but not right now." greatly exceeds the benefit of said proffered assistance?
3. What is the role of the medical student, exactly? Is it appropriate to be seen sitting at a computer and checking one's email?
It all seemed so hopeless. However, much can be accomplished in the space of 5 busy days. I am on a team made up of an attending (the lead doctor ultimately in charge of patient care), a 3rd year resident in internal medicine, a 2nd year resident in internal medicine, a physician assistant and two interns (first year residents who have to fulfill basic requirements before they can focus on what it is they are doing residency for). And me. Of course.
Since the same basic pattern repeats itself every day, it became easier after Wed or so, to get a sense of what was going on and then, at least, in my opinion, to make myself useful.
I get to the hospital at around 6:30am, check up on any events that transpired with the patients over night, taking special care to ensure any patients I am in charge of (2 - 4) aren't in critical condition and that I know exactly what state they are in. This is important, both for my own education, and in the event that I get pimped by the attending and lose points by Not Knowing My Patients (my evaluations are a big deal, thank you!).
At 7am, the team, sans attending, goes around and checks on the patients (about 20 or so) to find out if anything is pressing and how the patients feel. We then sit down at 8:30am with the attending so that the person who was on call (stayed through the night to provide continuity for patient care) describes in detail what happened to each patient during the night and if there are any new patients admitted.
From 9am - 10am, we round with the attending, checking on any new patients as well as those who are in critical condition. This is the point when the team comes up with a plan for patient care, with the attending deciding if this plan is appropriate. Since the attending is under pressure to get the on-call person home, so as to avoid exceeding the 'work hour limit', that person goes home at 10am.
After all the rounds are complete, it is time to get down to the nitty-gritty of patient care - paper work, writing notes in the patient charts, calling other doctors to call other doctors so that specialists can come in to see patients and other such scut work. In my case, I help my team as much as I can, and focus on the 2 - 4 patients I am in charge of: from examining the patient and writing a note about their progress, making sure medication is being given, that tests are being sent and carried out to mopping up patient vomit.
Usually, I have a class at 12pm - 1pm. When I come back from that, everything repeats itself. At 6pm (medical student official going home time) my feet are screaming for mercy and my stomach is yelling blue murder. However, this is a critical moment. It is tempting to rush out the door without a backward glance in order to eat and begin studying, but it is important to ask everyone on the team if there is anything that I can help with. The fact is, there is always something, so I am guaranteed another hour or two of work. As such, I usually get back from the hospital between 7pm and 8pm too exhausted to think about anything beyond food and sleep. If I got a new patient that day, I practice my presentation on them for the next day's rounds and read about their disease. If not, I read up as much as I can about all my patient's diseases and their treatment. Not a great substitute for hard core studying, but I have weekends for that.
So far, I am still eating healthy, getting some exercise (5am - 5:45am, if you can dig that) and sleeping no less than 6 hours a night. Let's see how long that will last.
1. When the team is going around (rounding, if it pleases ya) seeing patients first thing in the morning, where is the medical student to position his or her person so as to provide the least amount of interference with on going proceedings? In other words, how can I stay out of their way, yet remain visible?
2. How many times is it appropriate for the medical student to ask "Do you need any help?" before the energy and time required by the attending/resident/intern/physician assistant to respond, "Thanks for asking, but not right now." greatly exceeds the benefit of said proffered assistance?
3. What is the role of the medical student, exactly? Is it appropriate to be seen sitting at a computer and checking one's email?
It all seemed so hopeless. However, much can be accomplished in the space of 5 busy days. I am on a team made up of an attending (the lead doctor ultimately in charge of patient care), a 3rd year resident in internal medicine, a 2nd year resident in internal medicine, a physician assistant and two interns (first year residents who have to fulfill basic requirements before they can focus on what it is they are doing residency for). And me. Of course.
Since the same basic pattern repeats itself every day, it became easier after Wed or so, to get a sense of what was going on and then, at least, in my opinion, to make myself useful.
I get to the hospital at around 6:30am, check up on any events that transpired with the patients over night, taking special care to ensure any patients I am in charge of (2 - 4) aren't in critical condition and that I know exactly what state they are in. This is important, both for my own education, and in the event that I get pimped by the attending and lose points by Not Knowing My Patients (my evaluations are a big deal, thank you!).
At 7am, the team, sans attending, goes around and checks on the patients (about 20 or so) to find out if anything is pressing and how the patients feel. We then sit down at 8:30am with the attending so that the person who was on call (stayed through the night to provide continuity for patient care) describes in detail what happened to each patient during the night and if there are any new patients admitted.
From 9am - 10am, we round with the attending, checking on any new patients as well as those who are in critical condition. This is the point when the team comes up with a plan for patient care, with the attending deciding if this plan is appropriate. Since the attending is under pressure to get the on-call person home, so as to avoid exceeding the 'work hour limit', that person goes home at 10am.
After all the rounds are complete, it is time to get down to the nitty-gritty of patient care - paper work, writing notes in the patient charts, calling other doctors to call other doctors so that specialists can come in to see patients and other such scut work. In my case, I help my team as much as I can, and focus on the 2 - 4 patients I am in charge of: from examining the patient and writing a note about their progress, making sure medication is being given, that tests are being sent and carried out to mopping up patient vomit.
Usually, I have a class at 12pm - 1pm. When I come back from that, everything repeats itself. At 6pm (medical student official going home time) my feet are screaming for mercy and my stomach is yelling blue murder. However, this is a critical moment. It is tempting to rush out the door without a backward glance in order to eat and begin studying, but it is important to ask everyone on the team if there is anything that I can help with. The fact is, there is always something, so I am guaranteed another hour or two of work. As such, I usually get back from the hospital between 7pm and 8pm too exhausted to think about anything beyond food and sleep. If I got a new patient that day, I practice my presentation on them for the next day's rounds and read about their disease. If not, I read up as much as I can about all my patient's diseases and their treatment. Not a great substitute for hard core studying, but I have weekends for that.
So far, I am still eating healthy, getting some exercise (5am - 5:45am, if you can dig that) and sleeping no less than 6 hours a night. Let's see how long that will last.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Boards...
...are over! From 7:30am to about 4:30pm, I poured out all the knowledge I had acquired in my first 2 years of medical school onto that 336 multiple choice question test. I was calm, I was determined to do my best and the force was with me. Sometime in July, I will get my score and will be 1/3 of the way to being board certified. Awesome.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Home stretch
There are two weeks before the end of BOD and before we are set loose to study for the Boards. Not that it really matters - I have not been to class in about a month. However, it will be nice to not have PBL three times a week at 8am.
Skipping classes is the best thing I have done so far. It gives me more time to study class related material for test's sake, allows me more Board studying time (can you say awesome?), gives me the chance to actually do research (something I had neglected for months and months) AND get a decent amount of sleep at night. What could be better than that?
There are various things to be considered for this 6 week stretch I have ahead of me. I need to make a study schedule and decide where I want to study (the library is sure to be infested with my classmates). Should I take a day off, or plow straight through until May 26th? There are many plans to be made, much scheming to be had and the rubbing of hands together in leery fashion.
Until then, I have a Physical Diagnosis written exam on Tue, a practical on Wed, a Rheumatology test after next week and a triple jump exam to end it with.
Skipping classes is the best thing I have done so far. It gives me more time to study class related material for test's sake, allows me more Board studying time (can you say awesome?), gives me the chance to actually do research (something I had neglected for months and months) AND get a decent amount of sleep at night. What could be better than that?
There are various things to be considered for this 6 week stretch I have ahead of me. I need to make a study schedule and decide where I want to study (the library is sure to be infested with my classmates). Should I take a day off, or plow straight through until May 26th? There are many plans to be made, much scheming to be had and the rubbing of hands together in leery fashion.
Until then, I have a Physical Diagnosis written exam on Tue, a practical on Wed, a Rheumatology test after next week and a triple jump exam to end it with.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
If not now, when? or I don't want to have to study this for the first time 6 weeks before the Boards.
Several times as I have been studying for this HORRID and merciless exam, I have opened a chapter in one of my board review books (anatomy, for example) and my immediate thought is "I'd rather eat ground glass than study this right now. I can't believe I memorized all this crap during Anatomy...there is NO way I can do it again."
And then I feel sorry for myself and maybe even shed a tear or three. Then, I think....if I don't do this now - I will have to wade through all this information (and more) after classes are over aka board studying crunch time.
Do you want that?!? I scream to myself (in my head of course, I'm in the library). Do you want to be crying and vomiting in terror 6 weeks before the worst exam known to mankind simply because you were lazy?!? Because you wanted to sleep an extra 3 hours?!? Better shape up or ship out, young lady, or I will be mopping you off the floor!! This is the anti-lazy-pro-270-board-score-self help mental Nazi I have installed somewhere in my amygdala. It helps most of the time.
Not so much right now....head and neck anatomy? Give me a break, this chapter is 20 pages too long. Full of pure memorization, as soon as I read "...the external carotid artery has eight branches in the neck." my brain started to hurt. Did I really know all 8 of these branches at some point in my life? Arrgh! Somebody, kill me now. I can't do it, I can't!!!
End rant.
I will take it
one branch at a time.
Back to the grind.
And then I feel sorry for myself and maybe even shed a tear or three. Then, I think....if I don't do this now - I will have to wade through all this information (and more) after classes are over aka board studying crunch time.
Do you want that?!? I scream to myself (in my head of course, I'm in the library). Do you want to be crying and vomiting in terror 6 weeks before the worst exam known to mankind simply because you were lazy?!? Because you wanted to sleep an extra 3 hours?!? Better shape up or ship out, young lady, or I will be mopping you off the floor!! This is the anti-lazy-pro-270-board-score-self help mental Nazi I have installed somewhere in my amygdala. It helps most of the time.
Not so much right now....head and neck anatomy? Give me a break, this chapter is 20 pages too long. Full of pure memorization, as soon as I read "...the external carotid artery has eight branches in the neck." my brain started to hurt. Did I really know all 8 of these branches at some point in my life? Arrgh! Somebody, kill me now. I can't do it, I can't!!!
End rant.
I will take it
one branch at a time.
Back to the grind.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
It's a question that is becoming more and more frequent in my mind: should I study three extra hours or get a good night's sleep? Is it really worth it to go to the gym when I have a test in two days? Which is more important, my health (surely in the short run only) or doing well on a test?
I make beautiful, super-fantastic plans. This is me, writing in my planner Friday night: wake up tomorrow at 6:30am, workout for 45 mins or an hour, eat a good breakfast (something with heart healthy whole grains and a good amount of protein) and commence studying by 8:30am. Good, awesome. I go to bed smiling to myself - I'm really going to crush the Boards.
What really happens: my eyes open and by the way my body feels (actually well rested and wholesome), I know it's definitely not 6:30am. I keep my eyes up at the ceiling praying it's only say, 8:30am. That wouldn't be so bad....I could just skip the gym, swap the heart healthy breakfast for coffee and a banana (they're full of potassium, right?) and still crush the Boards. Even on an empty stomach. So I look at the clock. It's 10:30am. What?!? How could I have possibly allowed my body to get the sleep it needs?? Did I even hear my alarm clock? When did I turn it off? Arrgghhh, etc.
Of course, you know my whole day is ruined. I shall fail the Boards, never get a real job, end up working 12am to 10am shifts at a 24-hr McDonald's and eventually wind up homeless and penniless on the streets. So I convince myself that since I'm late already, I'll go to the gym for half an hour AND eat a good breakfast. Studying from 12pm to as late as I can manage is not really so bad. Especially if I skip the movie I planned to watch with N tonight. Again. It's just a movie, right?
Luckily, that didn't happen today. Today was better. I planned to get to the library at 8am when it opened, but I got here at 9am. Instead of getting up at 7:15am like I planned, I got up at 8am. What's 45 minutes between friends, you ask. Nothing, I respond. I will study until 8pm when the library closes, get a work out at the gym, do some much needed apartment cleaning and then go to bed. That will be a good day. (If I can make it happen....i.e. not take a nap in the middle of the afternoon when the going gets tough.)
My study break is over. Back to learning all the intimate details about Streptococcus agalactiae. God knows, the Boards love those little critters.
I make beautiful, super-fantastic plans. This is me, writing in my planner Friday night: wake up tomorrow at 6:30am, workout for 45 mins or an hour, eat a good breakfast (something with heart healthy whole grains and a good amount of protein) and commence studying by 8:30am. Good, awesome. I go to bed smiling to myself - I'm really going to crush the Boards.
What really happens: my eyes open and by the way my body feels (actually well rested and wholesome), I know it's definitely not 6:30am. I keep my eyes up at the ceiling praying it's only say, 8:30am. That wouldn't be so bad....I could just skip the gym, swap the heart healthy breakfast for coffee and a banana (they're full of potassium, right?) and still crush the Boards. Even on an empty stomach. So I look at the clock. It's 10:30am. What?!? How could I have possibly allowed my body to get the sleep it needs?? Did I even hear my alarm clock? When did I turn it off? Arrgghhh, etc.
Of course, you know my whole day is ruined. I shall fail the Boards, never get a real job, end up working 12am to 10am shifts at a 24-hr McDonald's and eventually wind up homeless and penniless on the streets. So I convince myself that since I'm late already, I'll go to the gym for half an hour AND eat a good breakfast. Studying from 12pm to as late as I can manage is not really so bad. Especially if I skip the movie I planned to watch with N tonight. Again. It's just a movie, right?
Luckily, that didn't happen today. Today was better. I planned to get to the library at 8am when it opened, but I got here at 9am. Instead of getting up at 7:15am like I planned, I got up at 8am. What's 45 minutes between friends, you ask. Nothing, I respond. I will study until 8pm when the library closes, get a work out at the gym, do some much needed apartment cleaning and then go to bed. That will be a good day. (If I can make it happen....i.e. not take a nap in the middle of the afternoon when the going gets tough.)
My study break is over. Back to learning all the intimate details about Streptococcus agalactiae. God knows, the Boards love those little critters.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
On Basis of Disease, Boards and Christmas break
Tomorrow is the last day of class before the first day of Christmas break. This is a good thing. I am looking forward to seeing my sister and her husband and my oh so little nephew (who just happens to be the cutest little boy on earth, cuter even, than your nephew). Now I can get down to some serious Heroes TV watching and some long anticipated Just After Sunset reading. Yes, indeed. Life is good.
BOD is only half as interesting as BAM. At this point in time one thing is still clear to me: I am definitely interested in learning about the brain. This means neurosurgery, neurology or psychiatry, in that order. Of course, I could have a mind blowing experience during a pathology rotation in 3rd or 4th year and decide to become a pathologist. [Insert joke about lack of people skills here]. Another thing...
As we plod through the body system by system, I am reminded of just how much will be expected of me somewhere between April 15th and July 1st. It's the big U. Or B. Or S of the B...I said the, not 'a'! Ladies and gentlemen, the boards are coming. And I am very afraid.
Goodnight.
BOD is only half as interesting as BAM. At this point in time one thing is still clear to me: I am definitely interested in learning about the brain. This means neurosurgery, neurology or psychiatry, in that order. Of course, I could have a mind blowing experience during a pathology rotation in 3rd or 4th year and decide to become a pathologist. [Insert joke about lack of people skills here]. Another thing...
As we plod through the body system by system, I am reminded of just how much will be expected of me somewhere between April 15th and July 1st. It's the big U. Or B. Or S of the B...I said the, not 'a'! Ladies and gentlemen, the boards are coming. And I am very afraid.
Goodnight.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Lists and such
This week I:
1. Watched a pituitary tumor being removed via the nose.
2. Took my second Brain and Mind test.
3. Got my grade for said test.
4. Caught a cold and then learned that Theraflu is far more superior to Dayquil.
5. Considered taking No doze and opted for coffee. (What next: uppers?)
Tomorrow I will:
1. Not take a nap after class, no matter how congested I feel.
2. Re-memorize those descending motor pathways (feels like Brown again).
3. Go to the gym if I feel better than I did this morning.
Right now I need to:
1. Read (and learn) about a bunch of opioid and NSAID analgesics.
2. Prepare for tomorrow's classes.
3. Not think about sleep.
4. Stop thinking about Pepperidge Farm Soft Baked Milk Chocolate Caramel cookies, because I have already consumed an entire package.
1. Watched a pituitary tumor being removed via the nose.
2. Took my second Brain and Mind test.
3. Got my grade for said test.
4. Caught a cold and then learned that Theraflu is far more superior to Dayquil.
5. Considered taking No doze and opted for coffee. (What next: uppers?)
Tomorrow I will:
1. Not take a nap after class, no matter how congested I feel.
2. Re-memorize those descending motor pathways (feels like Brown again).
3. Go to the gym if I feel better than I did this morning.
Right now I need to:
1. Read (and learn) about a bunch of opioid and NSAID analgesics.
2. Prepare for tomorrow's classes.
3. Not think about sleep.
4. Stop thinking about Pepperidge Farm Soft Baked Milk Chocolate Caramel cookies, because I have already consumed an entire package.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Brain and Mind, yo. (And MPSII)
Today was my first introduction to the harsh reality that is 2nd year. Class began at 8am as usual but after an hour and a half break for lunch (which will be reduced to an hour as the semester proceeds) it was back for more medical school learning. I realized that I never had the chance to say good bye to 1pm days with lectures that never exceeded 60 minute blocks. Lucky first years...
Yet, I had a very good day. The lectures were interesting (on the non-verbal part of the mental status exam), the small group discussions enlightening, though a tad bit tedious (what with the awkward pauses and the shuffling of the feet). I did get picked to play doctor and 'pretend' interview one of my classmates. With 12 other pairs of eyes on my every move and not having conducted a complete history since last year, my interview was - how do you say - not so hot, but still. For once in small group, my heart wasn't racing out of control and I actually thought about what I was doing...as I was doing it. Will wonders ever cease?
I think I will enjoy this semester. It is, after all, all the classes I have ever wanted to take, my major in College (Neuroscience) and my (as of now) dream career rolled into one. Of course, it doesn't help that everyone says it is the most (and I quote) 'horrid and unforgiving class at WCMC' and that 'by the end of the semester it will have made me it's b!$#&. Shudder.
I am half way through my anatomy of the neck notes for tomorrow and it is 11:06pm. Why did God make necks??
Yet, I had a very good day. The lectures were interesting (on the non-verbal part of the mental status exam), the small group discussions enlightening, though a tad bit tedious (what with the awkward pauses and the shuffling of the feet). I did get picked to play doctor and 'pretend' interview one of my classmates. With 12 other pairs of eyes on my every move and not having conducted a complete history since last year, my interview was - how do you say - not so hot, but still. For once in small group, my heart wasn't racing out of control and I actually thought about what I was doing...as I was doing it. Will wonders ever cease?
I think I will enjoy this semester. It is, after all, all the classes I have ever wanted to take, my major in College (Neuroscience) and my (as of now) dream career rolled into one. Of course, it doesn't help that everyone says it is the most (and I quote) 'horrid and unforgiving class at WCMC' and that 'by the end of the semester it will have made me it's b!$#&. Shudder.
I am half way through my anatomy of the neck notes for tomorrow and it is 11:06pm. Why did God make necks??
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Untitled
Unhappiness
is something that happens to other people, she said
of mind filled with possibilities and bursting forth with a mad desire to educate
those souls who could not know love as she knew it
how she was living and breathing and creating with every step
a monument, a vision of self sacrifice
So that not even the little that he had could dissuade her.
If there were an expression of doubt or pity that might stand in the way of her consciousness she could not see it because
Unhappiness
Was something that happened to other people.
And how could she?
When the mind is tormented with what the senses provide and what the heart will speak
What does it matter what the future will bring
If tomorrow will be the same as yesterday or the day before
And if the night will follow day?
In that moment; in that endless moment when their souls lay naked
Before the altar where they drink the sweet tears that consummate a union
There is only now.
So when she said
I am bruised and bleeding on the ground before you
I did not believe her.
For how could so cheap a thing which infected other people
Now rear its head and contaminate that vision of purity?
Suddenly the lines in the pavement that were once there to play by
Were cracks
And the sunlight that fell in your face in the morning window became a glare
Your laughter a mad cackle in the dark of the night.
But has she given over her mind’s thought to the depths of this new despair?
I have said to her this, but she does not respond.
is something that happens to other people, she said
of mind filled with possibilities and bursting forth with a mad desire to educate
those souls who could not know love as she knew it
how she was living and breathing and creating with every step
a monument, a vision of self sacrifice
So that not even the little that he had could dissuade her.
If there were an expression of doubt or pity that might stand in the way of her consciousness she could not see it because
Unhappiness
Was something that happened to other people.
And how could she?
When the mind is tormented with what the senses provide and what the heart will speak
What does it matter what the future will bring
If tomorrow will be the same as yesterday or the day before
And if the night will follow day?
In that moment; in that endless moment when their souls lay naked
Before the altar where they drink the sweet tears that consummate a union
There is only now.
So when she said
I am bruised and bleeding on the ground before you
I did not believe her.
For how could so cheap a thing which infected other people
Now rear its head and contaminate that vision of purity?
Suddenly the lines in the pavement that were once there to play by
Were cracks
And the sunlight that fell in your face in the morning window became a glare
Your laughter a mad cackle in the dark of the night.
But has she given over her mind’s thought to the depths of this new despair?
I have said to her this, but she does not respond.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
In the spirit of poetry...
...a new favorite.
Pursuit
Each thing I do I rush through so I can do
something else. In such a way do the days pass -
a blend of stock car racing and the never
ending building of a gothic cathedral.
Through the windows of my speeding car, I see
all that I love falling away: books unread,
jokes untold, landscapes unvisited. And why?
What treasure do I expect in my future?
Rather it is the confusion of childhood
loping behind me, the chaos in the mind,
the failure chipping away at each success.
Glancing over my shoulder I see its shape
and so move forward, as someone in the woods
at night might hear the sound of approaching feet
and stop to listen, then, instead of silence
he hears some creature trying to be silent.
What else can he do but run? Rushing blindly
down the path, stumbling, struck in the face by sticks;
the other ever closer, yet not really
hurrying or out of breath, teasing its kill.
-Stephen Dobyns
Pursuit
Each thing I do I rush through so I can do
something else. In such a way do the days pass -
a blend of stock car racing and the never
ending building of a gothic cathedral.
Through the windows of my speeding car, I see
all that I love falling away: books unread,
jokes untold, landscapes unvisited. And why?
What treasure do I expect in my future?
Rather it is the confusion of childhood
loping behind me, the chaos in the mind,
the failure chipping away at each success.
Glancing over my shoulder I see its shape
and so move forward, as someone in the woods
at night might hear the sound of approaching feet
and stop to listen, then, instead of silence
he hears some creature trying to be silent.
What else can he do but run? Rushing blindly
down the path, stumbling, struck in the face by sticks;
the other ever closer, yet not really
hurrying or out of breath, teasing its kill.
-Stephen Dobyns
Monday, June 30, 2008
i used to be bigger than this -
really
i was high flying high ballin'
in a high powered car
used to roll down the streets
glasses low hair gelled music on the stereo
hey baby - want a ride?
walking through the streets like twas nothing
i owned these people, these streets
mister - shine your shoes? mister - that drinks on the house
that drinks on me - mister
easy breazin easy ridin
the days and nights away
long gone now
no power no people no friends
as if they were ever
just me and this room
this cold dark room
with the roaches and the rats
and the screaming next door - christ, will you ever shut up?
no momma here no, boy
just you and me and everyone else
only time can tell
really
i was high flying high ballin'
in a high powered car
used to roll down the streets
glasses low hair gelled music on the stereo
hey baby - want a ride?
walking through the streets like twas nothing
i owned these people, these streets
mister - shine your shoes? mister - that drinks on the house
that drinks on me - mister
easy breazin easy ridin
the days and nights away
long gone now
no power no people no friends
as if they were ever
just me and this room
this cold dark room
with the roaches and the rats
and the screaming next door - christ, will you ever shut up?
no momma here no, boy
just you and me and everyone else
only time can tell
Monday, June 23, 2008
Seeing red
We agreed, we decided - we made contract to leave at 6pm, because Coldplay is playing at 8pm and I want to be there early. Doors open at 7pm. But N isn't here yet. I am about to see red.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Strap on whenever it seems appropriate
Many things have happened since we last talked. Yes...it's been quite a while, hasn't it? Let me tell you: grand things have transpired in the moments we have been apart. Like the fact that I am running a half marathon July 27th, right here in the streets of M. And the fact that I am actually going to a Coldplay concert in Connecticut this summer. But the real nitty gritty of the issue for today, ladies and gentlemen, is this: I went nuts last semester. That's right - I went stark raving mad. I was a raving lunatic for all of 16 weeks and I did not realize it fully until the semester was over and sanity spoke reason into my rabid mind. And by sanity I mean the voice of reason. This being, of course, my mother.
Probably, the seeds of my madness were sown towards the end of the first semester when I decided that my entire existence would cease to be if I Did Not Get Honors. Many a night was spent plotting and scheming to avoid this end. "So, I got an 88 on this last test....if I get at least a 95 on the next test and maybe a 92 on the last test, provided, of course I get 100% on the final, then maybe I could get honors. Cross fingers, knock on wood, throw salt over left shoulder, consider putting soul on lease." It was bad I tells ya. Bad. It so happened, that I did get honors that first semester. My ego was officially inflated. Life was good. The seeds, however, were starting to germinate.
Next semester came on by with its Anatomy and its Physiology and its Histology. Perhaps people in my class decided they really needed to get focused. Perhaps I became a little bit dumber. Perhaps it was a combination of the two. The fact of the matter is, I was getting *gasp* median scores. Me! How was this happening?? In desperation, I studied harder. I began to eye my classmates with suspicion. Who was this 34501 who kept getting 97% on every test, while I, surely, an honors student, was struggling by with 87's?? Was this fair? I deserved better! Did God hate me?
But the demon of the gunner is an insiduous and nefarious predator. Slowly I had breathed life to it as it crept into my nostrils. Quietly it had infiltrated the dark depths of my growing dementia. Before long, I was possessed. I was possessed with the demon of the gunner and I had gone mad. I studied because I wanted to get honors, I wanted to get 100% on that test, and damnit, if it was not going to be tested, why learn it? I forgot what it was to enjoy being in class, soaking up the sweet medical knowlege as it was taught to me. I lost sight of why I was in medical school, of whom I had begun this whole process of education for - the patient. (I had forgotten the face of my father.) In short, I was turning into the type of physician you would never want to treat your Aunt Mildred.
The semester ended and I did not bother to check my grades when they were posted. I knew there would be no honors beside my OCED number. However: I did not cease to be. I was alive and breathing and although I began to think murder in my mind when my Mom asked me for the eightieth time, "What's happened to you? You used to love going to class!" I was still in Medical School and I still had a second chance.
To further my learning experience, I discovered, after talking to the Course director for last semester, that, although my test average was mediocre (average of 88%), my PBL instructor must have loved me because I got a 95% on that baby. Turns out, I could have gotten honors if I hadn't been so doolally. 1.6 more points would have been just enough. But I would still be mad.
This is not supposed to be about grades. In fact, this is the last time I will ever refer to my grades in a post again. It's about how I became a gunner and then learned to live again. Or, how I learned what Medical School is really all about. Or maybe even, 10 things not to do in your first year of Medical School.
Today, now, I will study because I enjoy it and because I want to learn. If I need to spend an hour of my time looking up something I don't quite understand but probably won't be tested on come test, then so be it. I go to Medicine, Patients and Society because it is an important part of my growth as a physician and not because attendance is taken. I participate in small group discussion because I care, not just to get 'noticed by the facilitator'. Because sometimes you need to strap on whenever it seems appropriate.
Probably, the seeds of my madness were sown towards the end of the first semester when I decided that my entire existence would cease to be if I Did Not Get Honors. Many a night was spent plotting and scheming to avoid this end. "So, I got an 88 on this last test....if I get at least a 95 on the next test and maybe a 92 on the last test, provided, of course I get 100% on the final, then maybe I could get honors. Cross fingers, knock on wood, throw salt over left shoulder, consider putting soul on lease." It was bad I tells ya. Bad. It so happened, that I did get honors that first semester. My ego was officially inflated. Life was good. The seeds, however, were starting to germinate.
Next semester came on by with its Anatomy and its Physiology and its Histology. Perhaps people in my class decided they really needed to get focused. Perhaps I became a little bit dumber. Perhaps it was a combination of the two. The fact of the matter is, I was getting *gasp* median scores. Me! How was this happening?? In desperation, I studied harder. I began to eye my classmates with suspicion. Who was this 34501 who kept getting 97% on every test, while I, surely, an honors student, was struggling by with 87's?? Was this fair? I deserved better! Did God hate me?
But the demon of the gunner is an insiduous and nefarious predator. Slowly I had breathed life to it as it crept into my nostrils. Quietly it had infiltrated the dark depths of my growing dementia. Before long, I was possessed. I was possessed with the demon of the gunner and I had gone mad. I studied because I wanted to get honors, I wanted to get 100% on that test, and damnit, if it was not going to be tested, why learn it? I forgot what it was to enjoy being in class, soaking up the sweet medical knowlege as it was taught to me. I lost sight of why I was in medical school, of whom I had begun this whole process of education for - the patient. (I had forgotten the face of my father.) In short, I was turning into the type of physician you would never want to treat your Aunt Mildred.
The semester ended and I did not bother to check my grades when they were posted. I knew there would be no honors beside my OCED number. However: I did not cease to be. I was alive and breathing and although I began to think murder in my mind when my Mom asked me for the eightieth time, "What's happened to you? You used to love going to class!" I was still in Medical School and I still had a second chance.
To further my learning experience, I discovered, after talking to the Course director for last semester, that, although my test average was mediocre (average of 88%), my PBL instructor must have loved me because I got a 95% on that baby. Turns out, I could have gotten honors if I hadn't been so doolally. 1.6 more points would have been just enough. But I would still be mad.
This is not supposed to be about grades. In fact, this is the last time I will ever refer to my grades in a post again. It's about how I became a gunner and then learned to live again. Or, how I learned what Medical School is really all about. Or maybe even, 10 things not to do in your first year of Medical School.
Today, now, I will study because I enjoy it and because I want to learn. If I need to spend an hour of my time looking up something I don't quite understand but probably won't be tested on come test, then so be it. I go to Medicine, Patients and Society because it is an important part of my growth as a physician and not because attendance is taken. I participate in small group discussion because I care, not just to get 'noticed by the facilitator'. Because sometimes you need to strap on whenever it seems appropriate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
