Life is

silence. heart beating. blood - blood gushing. life blood. who said life was about blue skies and green fields?
Life is

tears gray skies winter cold streets mist

Today is Thor's-day. He sleeps somewhere with his short hammer dreaming about thunder. Sometimes I dream about thunder. I dream about it perhaps because it makes me small. And everybody wants to feel small and insignificant right?
Right?
I discovered today that I define myself by what I do. I need Organic Chemistry, and I need Neuroscience, I need deadlines for research, because without them...
Life is

tears gray skies winter cold streets mist

Last night I went and saw two movies all by my lonesome. I saw The Ring 2, and then I saw Hitch. I should have done it the other way round, but what gives.
I liked The Ring 2 because I felt helpless, scared and alive. I liked the idea of a mother having to kill her child to save it. Oh yes.
Evil is like that. You can't keep giving and trying to help it, because it is never satisfied and it will always want more. No matter how patient and loving you are, in the end it will bite you in the back. And then bite your leg for good measure. Because evil loves to bite.
Hitch needs no comment. It was that kind of movie.
I should have watched The Ring twice.

Fragments

question;
do you see me? do you see me here? do you see me as I see you? do you want me? do you want me now? do you want me as I want you?

I came back to school today at 8am. I slept right through until 5pm, got up and turned on my computer for my daily sustenance of msn, aim and other people's blogs. A few hours later I got up because I was hungry, and so I ate.

It was raining today. Cold unrelenting buckets of H2O running down my windows - what a sound. I am dismal. Melancholy is such a beautiful word. I feel the quiet of my room pressing down on me from the ceiling, from the walls, and I wonder if the silence will slowly drive me insane. I do not wish to speak - speaking will only disturb the silence that has accumulated like dust on my skin. I feel as though I could sit in bed forever, I feel as though I will remain ageless; unmoving and untouched by time.
My mind is slowly emptying itself out. It is like a black hole now. A space that once was filled. Only blankness-
blank blackness, black blankness...

I cannot describe to you this sensation. I am floating in the dark. Pure utter, darkness. It is pure because there is only dark. It is utter because it is complete- and I like it. I want to stay in this blackness forever.

This must end

Perfecting the art of the Anti-social one day at a time; one silent hour after the other. In my room, reading my book, as always. Got up this morning, went to my computer, as always. Checked in at the Msn Hotel, with a stop at the Aim Plaza, for an increasingly unhealthy addiction to making huge castles in the air with random online people. (let's save the world) People I've never met. People I will never meet. And so my mind wanders-
because I have too much time on my hands. I don't have to think about studying Orgo, or neuroscience or practicing my sign language. No research to get done by the end of the week, no work, no lab, just a nothing-ness that could stretch on forever. And so my mind wanders-
because...
And the thing is, I want to stay in my room. I want to stay here until the end of spring break, and just breathe. And even if a friend I know who is also on campus knocked on my door and wanted us to go do something, I would say no. So when my friends come back from Miami, and Hawai, and the-place-where-College-sophomores-go-to-get-wild, they will ask me why I stayed in my room all week and did nothing. I will have no answer, and they will make their own answers for me - they will tell me it's
because...
Because in another dimension I would be
would be...exhilarated.
And they will fling the D word at me. They will tell me I need to get over-
the hill, it's a big hill, and ah, the grass is so green. And there are flowers. Purple flowers, and oh, the sky is so blue...
Insurmountable, unforgettable. The telltale signs of a fleeting moment, a moment that lasted ten thousand years, yet was over before it ever began. Slowly sinking in a downward spiral.

This must end.

Hello Spring Break

Walking out of Organic Chemistry this morning was an almost tangible load off my mind. Just to think; for the next week and a half, life will be pure, divine bliss with waking up as late as I can, guilt free conversations on messenger ad nauseam, and blogging to my hearts content.
And then there's Adult Swim, Cartoon Network (perhaps a little Nickelodeon) and Comedy Central - how I have longed for their off-beat humor and poorly drawn animated characters.
Haven't watched tv in the longest time.
But still, there is work to be done. If I am not done declaring my concentration by sometime in April, I will not be allowed to register for my 5th semester at Brown. Now that, is not cool.
Now, lest you think I am tardy, let me tell you that I was done declaring my concentration at the beginning of the semester until I discovered that neuropharmacology is like.....awesome. Of course I had arranged my classes with a focus on understanding the molecular basis of memory, including working in a lab for my research thesis....so in short; I need to re-declare.
I want to learn how chemicals affect the brain. How medication used to treat diseases of the brain (and mind, for all you dualists out there) affect it in the process. How awesome is that?
I know. Awesome-est.
I also need to do a research project for sign language. But hey;

out in the street I see flip flops -
and
the sun
touches my cheek and whispers

spring is here

Like Moses

Come on now, don't you want to see?
This thing that's happening to me
Like Moses has power over sea
So you've got power over me

Coldplay

Getting down to business

I need to study Orgo

I need to study Orgo

I need to study Orgo

I need to study Orgo

(now that I'm done writing about it, I can get down to business)

Lunch at the Ratty

When the sky decides it has had enough of holding the now frozen water molecules (yay Orgo!) in its belly, it opens its mouth and regurgitates (the other way is just nasty) snow onto the world below it, making sure to render every sidewalk, every pedestrian pathway totally inaccessible for simple walking.
So it was that I picked my way through snowy mush to the Sharpe Refectory Cafeteria, aka the Ratty, way down there on the-other-side-of-campus. I was totally making a statement in my bright (Ye, Gad) yellow jacket, which I swore never to wear, on account of it being hazardous to the eyes, but who cares? It was cold out, and it's a mighty warm jacket. As I approached one out of three sets of doors, I removed the earphones from my ears (because you know I was listening to Lenny Kravitz telling me he wants to fly away; yeah, yeah, yeaaah), in order that I would not appear rude when I had palaver with the man-who-swipes-the-cards.
He's a nice man, this man-who-swipes-the-cards, but he's the kinda guy who revs up his engine, and once it gets started, goes full steam ahead into the no return land of when I was your age. So I kept the smile on my face whilst my stomach had pre-lunch conversation with my salivary glands (hunger is the best sauce donchya know - even for Ratty food), nodded at the appropriate intervals, and added a 'yeah' every now and then for good measure. At the juncture between the "I wasn't like that..." and the next "You young people nowadays...." I made my hasty (and hungry) retreat.
So much food, and so little time. This last semester, the Ratty had the Brown's version of Extreme Makeover, and 4 different sections boast a variety (ahem, ahem) of dishes designed to tickle those ravenous student taste buds. For people like me, there is a whole section devoted to animal friendly food. I am a wrap kinda girl, and so I crammed a tomato and basil wrap with beans, cheese, peppers, rice and shredded lettuce, and made my starving way to the grills.
It was a balancing act with my tray, water bottle and bag to find a seat, but I made my way there, and heaved a sigh of relief as I sat down.
It was time to dig in.