Grrr

I want to be asleep right now. Instead I am wide awake and I keep getting out of bed to check my mail. This time I logged into Blogger and now I am here, writing this silly post. I have an exam tomorrow, I woke up early this morning (well, relatively so) and justice declares I should be asleep right now. In fact - counting from the very hour I slid between my sheets - I should have been asleep for three hours now.
If I hear the phone in the apartment upstairs ring one more time, I swear, I will climb through the plumbing and have at them with a hacksaw. We're not all done with finals, sugar. And what is that shkr, shkr noise I keep hearing right outside my door? What is this? Is the carpet in the hall rubbing itself onto my door?
Sweet sleep, why do you elude me so?
I'll be good, I promise.

Retribution

I am so utterly alone, and so completely desperate. My heart beats, but it is only to feed the guilt festering in the blackened vestige of my soul. I am damned. I see it in their eyes, in the way they half glance at me, in the way their eyes refuse to take me in. Am I so abhorrent, am I so beyond redemption that even the maggots deny my existence? Please, scream filth at me, burn labels into my flesh, throw the blood at my feet. Only, do not look at me that way.
Ye Gad, divine being, agent of karma; for what it is worth, I am sorry. Unborn child, fruit of my womb, humanity, I beg of you, let me claim self dignity before I make retribution.
If it was selfishness that drove me, I repay it with self-sacrifice. If it was pride that possessed me to think only of my circumstances, then surely I have re-paid in tears a thousand fold. With every breath, you, society, have wrought vengence. With every thought, I have received that vengence, and I accept it gladly. I will tell you this - at that moment, at that selfish moment - my very future was at stake. And so, I threw the dice, I played my hand and I let guilt take residence in my soul. Now, I will give life for life.
Yet, I must believe that there is hope. I must believe this, if only for my sanity. If only to make this act, this cleansing of soul, acceptable.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now.
And at the hour of death.

November 8th, 2006

This morning, just like any other. Gym, class and lots of lab work. This evening, just like any other. American Sign Language class at Rhode Island School for the Deaf, and studying for my Neuroanatomy exam tomorrow. And yet - a fact about me has changed. Furtively, things have been changing since November 8th, 2005. Changing behind my back. And I have been excluded from this change. Until now.

Is it true, I am no longer 21? Is it true?

Fear and trembling

Today I had a migraine. No, not a simple headache - a full blown migraine. Having had my first one toward the end of the summer, I know what I am talking about. This time I definitely recognized the signs; inability to focus (I was happily studying Neuroanatomy), blurred vision and extreme sensitivity to light. Quickly downing an Imitrex did no help, the pain came on at full strength. And when I say full strength, my friend, I mean quite literally, Full Strength. Two Imitrex (don't tell, okay?) and four exedrin later, I was on my dorm room floor, pleading for mercy. I actually called Brown's Emergency Medical Service, but changed my mind mid-ring. After all, I knew what it was.
I am sane now. But I await the next one with fear and trembling.

The whole kit and caboodle

In the Beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

A statement so simple, and yet so utterly profound. This is the ultimate moment of inception, a time so far back into the past as to render meaningless any explanations of time as we know it. It is not, 'Millenia upon millenia' or even 'Soon after the Big Bang'. It needs no elaboration. It requires no permission. It is simply, 'In the Beginning'.
As to who is in charge? The answer is quite simple really - God. There you have it.
And God, in his unequivocal omnipotence, made all that is and would ever be. He created, ladies and gentlemen, the whole kit and caboodle.

That guy

That guy, he
works out at the gym 24/7
lifting heavy weights
and so he compensates for his height

That girl, she
told me
the only reason I am here
my fathers, my father's fathers
own New England
let me show her my 4.0

Those people, they
look at me
when
I'm with my significant other
and they
whisper to themselves
unmentionable relations

That lady, she
told me today
drinking water
helps you
lose weight faster
who said I wanted to lose weight?

That one, told me
I shouldn't be here
affirmative action

That person
looked at my tray
devoid of meat
you think you can save the world
one plate at a time?

Neuro stupidity

Q: What did the Stimulant do to the Neuron after their wedding?

A: He carried her over the threshold.

4th year at Malory towers uhh, Brown University

The year has come. By this, ladies and gentlemen, I mean Senior year (notice the capital). Classes, work, a great apartment, research and 3 awesome friends. How could I ask for more? Well...there is the issue of Medical School. I would like to get that congratulations-you-have-been-accepted letter in the mail sometime. Now wouldn't that be something? I bet it would. Are you listening Johns Hopkins?
And before you rip my hair out (hold your daym horses), here is the anticipated, long awaited class list:

EL91: How to read a poem
SI40: American Sign Language
BN165: Structure of the Nervous System
BN293: From Neurons to Perception
BN195: Independent Study (Fragile X Syndrome research)

Isn't life great?

in a flash of inspiration i found the words, and then i thought about it and the words were no longer there
they slipped through the fingers of my mind, escaping permanence, escaping expression
but i want to tell you, i need to tell you
oh, and i can feel my heart beating and the confused thoughts tumble through my mind and when i try when i try and try and stop them
they skirt around the edges
possessing me
do you know what i mean?
do you?

I want me some cardio too

Cardio-hog: 'kärd-E-(") O hog, n. Any of various forms of the species homo sapiens, which uses too much of the cardio machine.

Look here. I like to exercise, and I go to the gym 2 hours a day. That may be a little on the excessive side, but hey, my thighs need it.
Now some people....(ahem, ahem) always be working out at the gym. I mean, I get there at 4pm after I'm done with work and these cats? Already on the ellipticals, and been on them a good while, if their sweat soaked shirts are anything to go by.
So baby dawg, I do my thang on the stairmaster, and after half an hour, miss-sweat-stained-t shirt is still on. (Never mind the half hour limit on cardio machines, no ma'am, I'm beyond such pettiness.)
A few stretches and 45 minutes of weight training later, I'm ready to crank up the ol' metabolism. But of course, you know who and her twin sister are still on the ellipticals. Damn girl!
Now, don't get me wrong, I understand and appreciate the pull of the cardio machine. Your heart rate is in the 85% efficiency zone, you're feeling the burn and you just know that extra 100 calories will take care of that snickers you had with lunch.
I myself, have given into the sweet reasoning voice of the 5 minute cool down at the end of a 30 minute work out......but please! More than an hour? Give it a rest sugar, the machine will still be there tomorrow.
Yes. It's you I'm looking at. Time to get off now.

Late night in the lab

Working on Medical School Applications (notice the capitals, ladies and gentlemen) is strangely exhilarating. It makes me feel powerful; as though merely by using strategically chosen words and spicy synonyms I could rule the world. And you know what? I think I could.

Here I come Johns Hopkins. Or Columbia. Or NYU. Or....

In a month and a half I will be a senior. This makes me (officially at the very least) one of the wisest few on campus. Of course, this was the case even as a freshman, har de har har har, but now, my friends, it is for real. Be very afraid.

Did you know my sister won the Manager of the Quarter award at the hotel she works at? She surrre did. And she's only been working there a few months. Respect.

I should be writing an essay. Not my blog. Goodbye.

Home

tomorrow is the day of reckoning aka d-day soon to be known as The Day My Mcat Score Was Revealed To Me. despite the faith and good feelings of the people that make up my ahem, life, I know that whatever score I get will be a disappointment. because that's just the way it is. with the post-now wisdom some people call hindsight, that ten minutes you spent not studying will come back, grin at your sorry self and its teeth will not be white.

i'm in zambia right at this very moment. as I press these keys and put words together, I am breathing Southern Hemisphere air. why am I saying this? I just am, so deal with it.

wooden floors that go squeek under your feet when you walk on them this way, and water in the fridge safe to drink because it's been cooked to get rid of the germs. grass outside and the sound of the six million dogs barking late into the night in the neigh-bor-hood. going to church on foot, but not really, just in your heart. and a living room you can sit down and watch tv in because at the end of the day, damnit, we just want what everybody else wants: a place to call home.

so count those hours down with me, friend, and think big thoughts.

I have a box
in this box
I put my
tears
blue tears, that drip down
the side of my face
over my cheeks
I let them
this box
used to be empty
now
it is
a quarter full, half full, three quarters full
tell me,
when this box is full
and begins to run over
where will I put my tears?

Ode to coffee

Oh coffee! How marvellous is your power. How beautiful are your mechanisms. You give me strength when I have none. You fill me with a sense of renewed vigor and purpose. How potent your effects, how merciful your action. When the tentacles of sleep seek to crush me in their lethal embrace, when the very jaws of exhaustion seek to devour me with their terrible fate, coffee, you spring to action. Your smoky flavor alights on my tongue. Your purine rings awaken in me a desire to re-memorise all 10 steps in the glycolysis pathway. They open my eyes to the way of the electromagnetic wave - they equip me with the critical thinking necessary for a 15 on the Mcat Verbal. Truly your works are noble. Long I made jest at your pro-studying capacity. How I mocked those who partook of your healing powers. Alas! I was in err. Permit me now, this moment of post coffee meditation, to extol your virtues.
Oh coffee! How marvellous your power. How beautiful your mechanisms.

What it is

Notice:
The droop of the shoulders due to the heavy burden
The discarded Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts coffee cups
The pained expression in the eyes

Overheard: Dramatized and blogified

Not so thin girl: I have all this cellulite on my legs. It looks awful! I've been going to the gym and eating right, but my legs are taking ages to firm up.
Thin girl: Omg, I had the exact same thing, like, a year ago. I know exactly what you mean!
Not so thin girl: Really? What happened?
Thin girl: I was like, enormous - a size 10 can you believe it??
Not so thin girl: Umm, yeah...
Thin girl: Yeah, well. A friend of mine told me about this amazing procedure. You will not believe it, OMG!
Not so thin girl: No way, what was it?
Thin girl: Hold, on - I'll tell you!
Not so thin girl: Ok, Ok.
Thin girl: So, it's really easy, but you have to like, be kinda strong you know?
Not so thin girl: Mm, Hmm.
Thin girl: So basically, what it's about, is that like, you just don't eat, for like two weeks. And then, OMG - you'll be amazed at how much cellulite wears off! Plus, you lose MAD weight.
Not so thin girl: You don't say...
Thin girl: I know! Isn't it marvellous? I could not believe it either! When my friend told me about this, I was like, I cannot wait to start this procedure. And it SO worked! I mean, now I'm the same size I was when I was 11! I can like, wear size 0 clothes. You should try it, it so works!!
Not so thin girl: You know what, I think I'll just...
Thin girl: No really!! I'm dead serious. The only bad thing about it though, is that you tend to faint or collapse when it gets too hot. Or too cold. Or when it's late at night. Or early. But you know what I mean right?
Not so thin girl: Right.

Do not wait for leaders. Do it alone, person to person.

Mother Theresa

Do it in purple

I'm back. Here. Another semester lays all stretched out and furious before me. What have I done wrong? Express a desire to go to Medical School? Show my intentions of taking the Mcat in April? It's a count down I tell you. 87 days and my life will flash before my eyes. Four score and 7 days and my heart will stand still for 8 hours. Oh boy, oh boy - Mcat fever. (I'm too young to die).

Here is that list, my friends, in case you lost count:

BN104: Developmental Neurobiology
PH4: Basic Physics
BI28: Introductory Biochemistry
And the Kaplan Mcat prep course

Do it in purple.