It's on those lonely early morning drives while the sun is a distant rumor on the horizon, and I have nothing but myself for company that I take a moment and stop to think to myself, out of all those existential life questions such as, what is the meaning of my life, and is Pluto a planet or not and are people inherently bad, deep down, in their souls, where no one is looking - why did I do it?
And I turn the music on. And then I turn it on a little louder, because that question for which I stopped, on this lonely early morning drive, to think to myself, will keep nagging, as questions without easy answers are in the habit of doing, echoing louder and louder in the back of my mind where all those other difficult questions have been banished, to be since buried and forgotten.
But they do not stay buried.
It was her laugh. I heard it once and then a second time on that day, and I was lost. It was a laugh like no other; rich with the promises of all that could be good and beautiful. Of mutual feelings shared. We hesitated, we faltered against our individual alter-egos whispering out our lives to each other. Her Max, my Judy. Our 9th grade christmas plays, family trips to the amusement park, in-laws, grandparents, vows made in the presence of God to last until death.
I came home a different man that day and I have been a different man since. My only refuge from my thoughts is the unconsciousness that comes between the hours of 10 and 4, although it lasts but an instant. It has been said that only God will judge us, but I know better. I am judged daily - in the smiles of my children, in Judy's kiss as I come home from work and in the eyes of that man in the mirror. What is done cannot be undone, and what will be, will be.
This is my thought, on this lonely early morning drive, and I cannot escape it.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
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4 comments:
So........ Did you just change sex, or am I missing something here???
I did not change sex, so then...I guess you ARE missing something. That thing: I like to write (creatively, methinks) about all kinds of topics, this one came to mind recently. So I'm not always complaining about my job. Haha.
Who are you?
Believe it or not I'm a nurse! I'm English but living in Spain so I think I'm fairly flexible in my approach to work! I have enjoyed reading through your metamorphosis into doctordom... And I apologise for taking all of your posts too literally - you write very well so I guess that makes it your fault for being too real!
Yeah? Interesting. Thanks for reading, it's always flattering to know someone besides myself enjoys what I put down.
Haha, no need to apologize. I did write it just like any other post - as though it was from me.
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